All of a sudden, money has become a major issue. Once he stops viewing you as someone he can talk to, your relationship is going to go kaput. You act more like roommates than partners. When he comes home, he retreats to his man cave.
He just has to choose job locations that are far away from you. If this sounds familiar, your relationship is already over. He suddenly finds you really annoying, or he starts picking fights with you for no apparent reason. This in turn can make you quick to anger, or can cause you to want to take your anger out on your partner.
It will not get better. Actually, he barely acknowledges your existence. At no point in a healthy relationship is this normal. He seems depressed. I am totally heartbroken! Please Help Me! Natasha, Of course you need to be held and kissed and reassured at the end of the day—all women want that! I can remember feeling the way you do now in my marriage too, and feeling hopeless that my husband would ever get that I needed that.
It was awful and lonely and I felt rejected every single day. I nearly got divorced. I can relate to your situation. In the beginning our relationship was awesome. IF I need help or something done…it was taken care of before I even finished asking.
He says I am always angry always and I have a problem with everything. He says he has to teach me how to do everything!!!! I remember feeling very hopeless about my relationship too, but when I learned and practiced the Six Intimacy Skills things turned around dramatically and now my husband is very affectionate and sweet.
I want the same thing for you with your boyfriend! We have just got together after a separation and are trying to move forward. I have read so much on your site Laura, have watched videos and ordered books. I am desperately trying to show him the respect he craves but I feel like he is not filling my love tank. Our first year of marriage was really good but things got bad the next year and really really bad the past 6 months, to a point of near divorce.
I felt emotionally abused, alone, and so isolated. I have lost my voice and want to gain it back. He has physically and emotionally distanced himself from me. We see each other rarely and not asking for attention makes him more used to it. I used to ask him to text me throughout the day and he did and it was nice, then it kind of dwindled, when I kept asking it seemed forced and now its not even there. I regularly affirm him so much, to a point I feel like its becoming too fake or sickening for him?
I was the goddess of fun and light but the problems in my marriage made all that disappear. I still remember when my marriage felt that way and it was awful! I was so unhappy, and I too felt desperate and hopeless. I thought that I had married the wrong man. I hate to see anybody give up 5 minutes before the miracle, and I see a LOT of miracles around here when women like you get the Intimacy Skills and get some support from the SWEW community or a private coach or both.
I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with one of my coaches is right for you. You can make this relationship as magical as it was when you first fell in love! Most men are attracted to the carefree, happy, loving girl they met. They respected the girl with aspiration and goals. They were enamored by her radiance and confidence. It seems that once we marry… have children… we lose that. I DID! I lost myself in the struggle of trying to be the perfect wife, mom etc… I just let myself go and did the complete opposite of what attracted us together in the first place.
And in the process lost my spouses respect, his attention and it completely disconnected us. I do what I used to do when we first dated: flirt, find every opportunity to compliment him on his accomplishments, on his looks, thank him for the smallest gestures. Thank you so much for sharing your inspiring story. I love your enthusiasm for the Intimacy Skills. Reading this article brought me to tears. I have tried so many ways to get my husband to be affectionate towards me, with very little success.
I know that I criticize everything he does, and I speak to him rudely and condescendingly everyday. Before careers and children, we were so carefree. We never let the pettiness of everyday life weigh us down.
We hardly every fought, and we treated each other with kindness and respect when we disagreed. I defended my husband without question if someone tried to criticize him. Now, I am his 1 critic. He often tells me how hard it is to be affectionate when I say mean things to him, and call him names. I am full of admiration for your awareness and accountability, and your courage in reaching out for support to change this dynamic.
That tells me there is so much room for hope! I absolutely identify with the rut you describe. I invite you to apply for a complimentary discovery call to see if working with a coach would fit for you. You will gain so much clarity from this call. I love your advise but I feel like we have gone so far in the bad because of his lack of affection and attention,caring and my built up anger and feeling rejected.
My two girls notice it and ask why this, why that, Which is making me more angry. Which isnt true because when we first met he was amazing and made me feel like I was on cloud 9.
I have tryed being fun, mean, be nice, ultimatums, divorce, focusing on my self, losing weight,blame myself try to figure what Im doing wrong.
And things are getting bad. It sounds heartbreaking, especially with your children watching and with you not having his support as you struggle with depression on top of everything. I still remember feeling hopeless when all my husband seemed to want to do was watch TV when he got home while I tried to get him to pay attention to me.
And the fighting. Then I found the 6 Intimacy Skills, which gave me the playful, passionate marriage I have today. I know you can have that too. I have a free webinar coming up that you will find so valuable. My husband and I have been married for 27 years. The last few years have been very stressful on our marriage, especially regarding disciplining issues over our three sons.
The trouble in our marriage reached a climax a few months ago with fighting becoming incessant and heated. I then noticed how withdrawn my husband had become from me and that he ceased to make any advances towards me when previously he was making advances on a regular basis. I broke down and told him how sorry I was for fighting with him. This was a month ago, since then, we have spoken honestly about our feelings, we have gone away together, I have made a point of being supportive of him, and affectionate towards him.
Still, something has changed. He no longers initiates lovemaking yet he is receptive if I initiate it. I feel like I am putting in all the effort and if I stop, then we just end up mere room-mates. I asked him if he is viewing pornography and he said no. Weekends, he stays up till the early hours and watch tv and work nights, he goes to bed early. Rita, I hear you feel stuck being the one initiating sex and are unsure of what else to do.
I admire your vulnerability in sharing your story and seeking support. I remember how lonely it felt when my husband withdrew his affection and stopped initiating. I also remember how my efforts to pursue him ended up causing a loss of intimacy in the long run. The 6 Intimacy Skills have allowed me to reconnect with my feminine gifts to rekindle our sexual connection. I want to see you feeling desired again too!
I know this rift can be healed and would love for you to get the tools that empower you to do that. My husband has been great around the house and taken over the finances…. I really admire your commitment—changing the culture in your home so dramatically in only 8 weeks! I too started seeing changes within weeks of practicing the Intimacy Skills, but some areas of my marriage still seemed hopeless. I needed more support to figure out how to apply the Skills to have the playful, passionate marriage I have today.
Mich, I know that this area of your marriage can turn around as dramatically as the others already have. As the same w everyone else everything was great in the beginning.
He wanted us to move in right away but I got my own place as I was worried about how he was going to be w my children because of their special needs. This went on most of the time. We still have sex a lot but no intimacy. I love hearing your gratitude—it sounds like you have a good guy!
I remember how hurtful it felt not to get the affection I wanted from my husband. Practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills opened the door not only for lots of compliments but plenty of affection to come my way. I have a free webinar coming up that will help you do that. Hi Laura, I am more confused now after reading your article. As I understand, it is my fault that my husband is lacking in the romance dept. I support my husband in all his endeavors, may be not all of course, but I am a very understanding wife.
I may not look like a super model but I am confident that I look good. He will say very rarely that he loves me more than his life.. He has never praised me, ever, how good I look or how good I cook. I have no other problems with him except for this. Please help. Thanks so much. Maria, that is painful not to be getting the romance or compliments it sounds like you deserve!
I admire what a supportive, understanding wife you are. Once I received those tools, I became empowered to have the playful, passionate marriage I have today. So to clarify, my article is not about finding fault or placing blame. Rather, my point is that, as the wonderful wife, you have the power to create more romance in your relationship! Thank you so much Laura for your advice. Thanks sooo much! I love your vision of getting back to a sincere loving relationship with your husband and am standing for you!
I have only been married a year and there is no affection or intimacy. My husband is younger than me and I no longer even try anymore. It is sad it is that way. My marriage suffered a loss of affection and intimacy too, and I remember how lonely I felt.
Learning the 6 Intimacy Skills turned that around, and today I feel cherished, desired and adored. Sometimes other issues such as depression play a tremendous role in the withholding of affection.
Sometimes men are raised to be so masculine that the slightest display of anything softer would be perceived as weak and leaving himself too vulnerable. In such relationships that consist of depressive patterns, it leaves the other person open to becoming depressed as well.
I hear a lot of people feeling alone in their marriages, where my own husband is perfectly content sleeping on the sofa if I tell him to. If it were not for me coming out to get him last night, he would have no issue at all, carrying this out for another week.
Depression is a serious illness that cannot be cured by doing the Macarena in a grocery store aisle. To suggest to not talk about it is only contributing to the problem even further, because the silence adds even more distance in the marriage. The spouse who is feeling rejected will eventually try to find her happiness elsewhere, and so I find this article to be a bit irresponsible.
These spouses will flock to the compliments given on Facebook, the smiles from co-workers of the opposite sex, etc. She went through his phone and found photos containing phrases about how it hurt to be in love with someone who was silent toward them and going through life breathing but not alive.
She read how he felt they had grown apart because he felt she had given up on him…. I sincerely suggest that any couple going through such a dry spell where affection is concerned , seek help to find the root of the distance. Love is a two way street where no one should be expected to tow the spouse along the way.
Eventually that car will break down and the journey for the both of them will end. I hear you, Ann. Thank you for sharing your concerns and your experience so genuinely. What a burden to carry that guilt on top of the shocking blow of his loss.
My husband has a mental issue as well, and I supported him in being diagnosed and treated. Rather, becoming my best self changed the culture in our marriage and allowed him to do the same. I invite you to witness how other women are practicing the Skills to become empowered. Episode 12 of my TV series Empowered Wives , for example, shows how a marriage counselor saved her marriage when her husband was cold, removed and distant.
What caught my attention in your article is that there is no mention of the husband taking responsibility for the situation. Did I misunderstand your perspective? If so then please elaborate! JAT, thank you so much for seeking clarity on this. I love how receptive and openminded you are. I remember feeling so frustrated when my husband would not work on his issues. I thought divorce was the only option. Thank goodness I found the 6 Intimacy Skills, which meant I did not pamper him or tiptoe around him.
Instead, he started showing more consideration for and pampering ME! Once I changed the culture in my marriage with these Skills, he changed as well. I know that can happen for you and him too! I have been practicing my surrendering muscles for a couple of months now and am still waiting for my husband to woo me how he used to.
There is a lot more in our relationship we need working on and that I want to change and creating that emotional safety is definitely one of them. I really want him to feel like he can come home and relax with me, tell me about his day, that I will support him in whatever he is going through at this moment in time, he is in a low in his life and is more often depressed, or angry I have been watching your videos and they are amazing but honestly, one thought that keeps coming to me is that these wives are worried about the control in giving directions, or forgive me, but in my eyes really small things.
ZT, I hear how dedicated you are to practicing the Intimacy Skills, so it must be frustrating not yet to have the response you would like. I love how committed you remain to restoring emotional safety. For me, it was hard to convince my husband I had changed my ways at first. The more I practiced the 6 Intimacy Skills, though, the safer he felt, the more time he wanted to spend with me, and the more affectionate he became.
I know I needed support to practice all 6 Intimacy Skills effectively. Great post, it really resonates so much with what my wife and I have been going through for so long and it feels like we are getting close to the end of our rope.
My wife and I have been together for 10 years 5 years married ; no kids yet because of this recurring issue in our relationship. We have had this same discussion throughout our relationship, and I would make efforts to be more affectionate with her but as time would go by I would slip back into my natural way of showing love towards her. I would still be affectionate towards her but I guess it would not be the way she needs it.
Meanwhile, I think the relationship is good again until I get blind sided by this same conversation. I was always happy and content in our relationship, but it angers me that if she has felt this way for so long; why did she stick around with me for 10 years?
If the way I showed my affectionate towards her did not make her feel loved, then why still be with me? It sounds painful to keep experiencing that same cycle after you make such an effort to change.
I would love for her to be able to appreciate your efforts and the affection you so freely give her. I know that would happen if she were inspired to practice the Intimacy Skills. I invite you to read this blog article for men. What then? BTW— married 10 years, no children yet, been remodeling a house for the past 8yrs. Leah, that sounds painful and lonely that your husband is barely around to even notice you and is grumpy when he is there.
I acknowledge you for practicing self-care in spite of whether he has noticed. I admire your commitment to your marriage and your vulnerability in reaching out for support here. I remember how lonely it was when my husband seemed to prefer to do anything else but spend time with me.
Since I started practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills, the culture in our home has changed so he expresses gratitude, shows respect and practices self-care too. I needed support to learn how to practice the other Skills in conjunction with self-care and would love offer you more support. What you are saying makes sense. I was always scared of being judged by everyone even by my husband. So I tried to be everything everyone would want me to be.
I never spoke my mind, always accommodate things I enjoyed or wanted to just make everyone happy. But I was fooling myself. Its tough trying to relearn what you like because so many things I was doing was something I learned to like or liked because it made someone else happy. Im not saying making someone else happy is a bad thing.
I, myself need to find a balance between the two and not always give up what I like. Thank you so much for sharing. C, I love your awareness! I admire you for seeking to reconnect with what you like after so many years of trying to make others happy. Making myself ridiculously happy by practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills has in turn delighted my husband too, so now we both get to enjoy a playful, passionate marriage. Im a wife 25yrs. Honeymoon nite sex 2times.
Next day no sex no hug no affection. Next nite i try to touch i was push away.. He is successful. He never had another woman. I always knew where he is. Never out at nights. I being the good wife. Cook breakfast and lunch pack his bag … see about cleaning my house. Then head to work. Come home i get his dinner ready. I bury my head just not to see his hate his importence.. I have nowhere to run.
He has gotten worst he sleeps on oneside of the bed i sleep on the other.. I am in this 25yrs.. I have no sisters or brothers my parents have departed this world.. I remember how painful it was to move so quickly from the honeymoon phase to sleeping on opposite sides of the bed.
Practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills has revived our spark so now I feel cherished, desired and adored, like I did back when we were dating. If I can turn things around, you can too!
I would love to give you the tools to feel heard and to receive his affection and attention. I have a free webinar that you will find so valuable. Newly-wed here. But I did just want to take a moment and thank you, Laura. I already felt like I had exhausted every option. When I try and internalize this, it explodes in my subconscious.
I have dreams, I wake up angry or guilty, and I take out my frustration on him for every little thing he does wrong. And here I am. So you want me to just start enjoying myself, and expressing love and respect to my husband? And guess what? My husband who never talks, never offers affection for me, and takes forever to respond, just sent a long heartfelt and intimate message back. I really admire your vulnerability in posting as a newlywed, your awareness and your commitment to taking action to maintain the intimacy in your marriage rather than allowing years of the lack of romance to take a toll.
And it sounds like your husband is as well! You remind me of myself. When I got married, I had no idea how to preserve the intimacy, so I tried all the same tactics of crying, yelling and begging. I simply did not have the tools to have the kind of connection I craved—until I discovered the 6 Intimacy Skills.
Today, my marriage is more playful and passionate than it has ever been. I admire you for your commitment and beautiful vulnerability. I remember how painful it was when my husband and I were like strangers living in the same house. I want you to feel cherished, desired and adored too.
I know you can turn things around! This makes so much sense and I have been doing it all wrong with terrible results, of course. Thank you! Great question, Carla!
I love your sense of humor. I admire you for your awareness and your willingness to try something new for your marriage and yourself! When I started surrendering, my husband was so welcoming of the changes in me that he dared not raise any questions or objections. He did seem skeptical and tried to bait me into old behaviors until some time passed and he saw that his happy wife was here to stay. I invite you to keep surrendering a secret at first to give yourself the space to experiment and make mistakes without comment from him.
I feel he was dishonest with me in the beginning of our relationship and was very affectionate, then as time went on the affection drastically reduced. We tried cuddle Sundays and it always ends in arguments because he makes excuses why he cant. Now i try to compromise and wont ask for affection until I really need it about once a month and even then he refuses and it ends in an argument. So even my emotional base if not there.
I hear how painful it is to be deprived of the affection you desperately need. I would feel drained too! I love your vulnerability and commitment to having the kind of marriage you deserve. Hello Laura, It is nice reading your advice. I have been married for 5 yrs with a 18 months little boy. After gave birth to my boy I was depressed. Started to critisize whatever my husband does. With all the frustration he received, he shows no affection to me.
Not even a hug or kiss. And we seldomly have sex. He claims it is because all the pressure from work and our son life is tough with a child while living in Hong Kong. I admit I have not lived for myself or do something make myself happy since my son was born.
I just became a person that hate and blame everything, which sucks! And my husband mentioned he miss the old me, the girl with goal and hope and sense of humor….. I want my old self back but just do not know how….. I love that you want to revive the girl you used to be, the one who attracted your husband.
Learning how to put my own happiness first through the 6 Intimacy Skills helped me become my best self again and brought our newlywed days back. If I can do it, I know you can too! Our only problem is intimacy! We are both in our late 20s early 30s and seem to be drifting with the stress of the wedding, saving the money etc. My partner is more than capable of affection when instigating sex which can be so frustrating!
Sarah Jane, congratulations on your engagement! And on finding a wonderful man! I admire your awareness and your commitment to making every part of your relationship as good as you can stand! I remember how sad and lonely it was not having the affection I craved. The 6 Intimacy Skills got my affectionate husband back and smoothed things out in the bedroom.
We seem to be nothing more than roommates that coparent. I have written him letters, told him verbally, my feelings and I get very little response. It seems he is not willing to make any changes. I honest to God have not received a compliment from him in 5 years since our wedding day. I take very good are of myself and am in good shape, etc and never received not one compliment.
After my babies I made a point to try and lose the baby weight right away in hopes her give one and nothing. I have brought this up that it hurts and no response and still no compliments.
He seems totally content being in a non-intimate roommate, coparent ing situation. I wish he looked at me the way he did before marriage or at least one tenth of the way.
I wish he initiated intimacy…never does. It seems he is just happy being roommates that coparent. In very lonely and have tried so many things… Not nagging him…. Losing weight…dressing nice and I get nothing in return. What can I do? Cecelia, I hear how painful and lonely it is never receive a compliment or physical intimacy.
I love your vulnerability and your commitment to your marriage and to being a good wife. I remember what it was like to live under the same roof as roommates. I felt so lonely. Once I learned the 6 Intimacy Skills, I found I had the power to attract him back, and soon it was like we were dating again.
If I can do it, you too can get the affection and attention you deserve. You can register for free at lauradoyle. I have to say I was hopeful going into reading this because I too, asked for years…kindly for affection. Very straightforward. To only have him do what you said…. He would always nod. I learned to be a good wife.
I even learned how to speak his language. I loved him the way he needed to be loved. I respected him, built up his ego, always words of affirmation, was fun, spontaneous, flashed him lots, gave him sex any time.
Let him know when he was right. Made him feel smart. I did all this for years while still asking for my needs to be met. I never got it. And I know he feels it. He tries to be extra nice by doing things for me. I hear your remarkable commitment to being a good wife and how painful it is to still not have your needs met. You have done so much. I acknowledge you for all your effort and your beautiful vulnerability. I totally relate. My needs were definitely not being met—until I found the 6 Intimacy Skills.
Then I was empowered to inspire him to want to please me, and my marriage became playful and passionate. We had a short session with out Pastor a few years back about our relationship and I learned he wondered if he should stay with me through him telling our Pastor and never spoke to me about it. Man that hurts. I get one kiss a day. I watch movies and see a man going in for a kiss confessing his love and I cry because I want to feel Special, loved, important.
I see post from men on Facebook saying how lucky they are to have their wives, I want that. I have played that broken record so many times for so many years and it seems worthless. Go figure???????? I have purchased and am apart of your program Laura but full of lack of not trying anymore.
I would feel so sad, hurt and lonely too. I admire you for all the efforts you have made to restore the intimacy in your marriage. In my case, I needed support to know which Intimacy Skills to apply to what I was going through and how to apply them effectively. Many women who tried to do it on their own got their breakthrough once they showed your beautiful vulnerability and reached out for coaching.
One not only had her husband come back home, but he started holding her all night, tighter than ever, and telling her he loves her many times a day, which had never happened.
I think your situation deserves a longer conversation. Your post makes a lot of sense! I will try it. If nothing else, it is a good way to live, give love and respect and receive the same back. That is the sum of life really. Jen, I love your openness and willingness, especially to show respect and receive graciously. I admire your commitment to staying on your side of the street. Fortunately, when I do that, things do tend to work out!
I continually wonder what I am doing to make my husband so unhappy and unaffectionate, unless I ask for it. I withdraw. Lately a big source of conflict is his jealousy towards me doing g karate. Why isn't my husband affectionate? I don't know what I did wrong. How can I make it right because I want this marriage to work? I love him and I cant live without him" —Therese. There can be many reasons why Therese's husband isn't affectionate anymore and not all of them are bad or are solely about him.
Relationships naturally move through stages. Moving out of the honeymoon stage when our partner and intimacy is all we can think about happens to everyone and is normal and okay. Children and family can also be a big factor. When we have kids the affection lessens as the demands of childcare become consuming. Add to that work and household duties and suddenly time is at a premium, communication suffers, and the priority on affection disappears. Those work and financial stressors can also emotionally drain us and leave little left to give to our partner in the affection department.
It's easy for any of us to take the relationship and our partner for granted as other things demand our attention. When a husband isn't affectionate anymore wives have to be careful not to immediately put the fault all on him. It's very possible that they've unintentionally contributed to his loss of interest. Common explanations I hear from men as to why they're not interested in their partner, even sexually while still liking and wanting to have sex , can be her:.
Attraction and physical affection go hand-in-hand, and in order to maintain that affection both partners need to care enough to take care of themselves and their appearance. It's also possible that he's showing you affection in different ways that you just don't recognize. There can also be some troubling reasons for the loss of affection that men are responsible for too:. The good thing about realizing that your husband isn't affectionate anymore is that it can be fixed.
Any of the contributing causes above can be stopped, changed and the damage repaired. If you've lost the affection from your partner, don't jump to the conclusion that the relationship must be dead, first focus on learning why and how you can change it. Editor's Note: This post was originally published Jan 10, and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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